Cocktail-In-Chief: Five Easy Drinks To Make On Election Night

Less than two years ago (but also somehow already almost two years ago), we started out with like, 109 candidates. Over time, that number whittled down to the 5 candidates still standing. Now, it’s finally gettin’ to be that time. Today is Election Day, and I think this entire country is in need of a good drink.

Today, I am giving you something you didn’t know you needed, but now realize that you’ve always wanted. This handy menu gives you a drink option for every possible outcome tonight. Drink the respective cocktail of the candidate who wins! Or all of them. Drink all of them.*

*Please do not drink all of them.

The Lone Ranger

Darrell Castle is the Constitution Party’s presidential candidate. I first heard his name… last week? A huge part of his platform is pulling the United States out of the United Nations. To me, this just screams, “emo kid yelling at his parents.”

He’s also an avid pro-lifer. What an original stance for a 68-year-old white man with no uterus! Groundbreaking.

When I think about my buddy Darrell, I think of the South, and isolation, hence the name, “The Lone Ranger.”

You will need:

-the nastiest f*cking moonshine you could possibly imagine (2 parts),

-and the weepy boogers of a small child with no siblings or friends (8 parts)

The Berry Gary*

Gary Johnson is an enigma. He kind of never seems to know what he’s talking about. You may remember him as the dude who didn’t know what Aleppo was, or the dude who said we could cut 43% of the federal budget without instantly falling to pieces. That said, a small part of me does respect him and some of his values. His website literally says, “Solving immigration problems is not as easy as building a wall or simply offering amnesty.” You throw that motherf*ckin’ shade, GJ!

You will need:

-absinthe (more parts than what is considered safe),

-Ambien (4 pills, crushed to a powder; can be used as a rim for the glass),

-and a blunt

*can also be a “Benadryl Carson,” replace Ambien with Benadryl 

The VaccinStein

Jill Stein…. Oh, Jill Stein. This woman believes that vaccinations cause autism and wifi causes brain cancer. I liked her for two seconds before I realized she was the Bad Kind of Hippie™ and now she just makes me sad.

You will need:


-and a homeopathic, organic, all-natural cure for smallpox

The Long Island HillarTea

Hillary is my GIRL, okay? I can’t even lie; I was a diehard Bernie bro prior to the DNC. I loved him so much, but I know when to prioritize. Bernie endorsed Hillary, and I trust his judgment. I jumped back on the Hillary wagon I was on before I knew who Bernie was, and I have remained #WithHer ever since. She has her flaws, but she has been kicking ass in politics longer than I’ve been alive. A LOT longer. She is more qualified for this spot than anyone else running.

You will need:

-ingredients for a standard classic Long Island Iced Tea (a.k.a ½ an oz of every alcohol in existence, lemon juice, and a splash of soda),

-blue food coloring (2 drops),

-and your homemade tears of relief and exhaustion (1 gallon)

The Sunburnt Sociopath

No comment. (Wouldn’t it be so cool if that was how he responded to questions he didn’t know the answers to?)

You will need:

-a fifth of vodka,

-and a straw

Death is imminent.


xx Gabi

This article was a satirical piece originally written for my humor writing course. Don’t take me seriously (ever). 


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